


Every Tolkien crossover is legally obligated to reference “There and Back Again” in the title

by kendianna



Series: Totally Original Witcher/Hobbit Crossover [1]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Dwarves, Hobbits, JRR Tolkien didn't ask for this, Kaer Morhen is the lonely mountain, M/M, Yennefer is Gandalf and she’s Big, but he also can't stop me, do you get it it’s very heavy handed, for now, geralt is thorin but even more repressed, jaskier is bilbo but horny, the other witchers are there but they’re mostly background
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:46:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25986859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kendianna/pseuds/kendianna
Summary: Geralt just wants to reclaim his family’s ancestral home - The dwarven stronghold Kaer MorhenJaskier of course wants what he’s always wanted - To leave the Shire once and for all and to collect fame and accolades for his bardic geniusAnd Yennefer definitely wants something - it’s deeply suspicious that whatever that is hasn’t made itself abundantly known yet. There’s no other reason that she’d meddle so helpfully in the affairs of dwarves and hobbits and men
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion, Jaskier | Dandelion & Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg
Series: Totally Original Witcher/Hobbit Crossover [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2048829
Comments: 8
Kudos: 46





	Every Tolkien crossover is legally obligated to reference “There and Back Again” in the title

**Author's Note:**

> (Listen every single ounce of original or innovative content that could possibly be data mined from the hobbit was already written and published and widely distributed in fanzines by determined homosexuals decades ago... so this is technically a Witcher story. 
> 
> The only thing I’m surprised about is that this seems to be the first specific crossover for these two fandoms on AO3??? Which I kind of can’t believe is true. The Witcher has really taken off since the Netflix adaptation came out and I’d be shocked if someone else hasn’t at least thought of this)
> 
> Now with incredible fan art!  
> https://ookamikuro-art.tumblr.com/post/626862744640143360

Jaskier is playing for his supper in Bree when a woman’s figure darkens the doorway of the Prancing Pony. She is breathtakingly beautiful, and so jarringly tall she has to stoop upon entering so that her head doesn’t hit the frame. She sighs at her surroundings, and zeroes in on him where he stands atop the bar counter.

For the briefest moment his hands tremble where they sit on the neck and strings of his lovely lute, and a sour discordant note fills the air. A hush falls over the inn, then the chatter picks back up again as patrons drink deep from their flagons of honeyed mead and steadfastly ignore her frigid gaze.

She makes her way to the bar, seating herself directly in front of him and leans, taller still even sat atop her stool than he is standing on the counter. A lovely arm reaches out and gently tweaks the tip of one of his elegantly pointed ears.

“Imagine my surprise, dear boy, an old family friend passing by for a long overdue visit, only to find Pankratz manor empty of it’s lordling, and Lettenhove in disarray without their viscount!”

He scowls and rubs his ear, then plays an ugly but perfect atonal scale in her direction.

“By which I take it you mean you are perturbed you had to take all of three additional steps with your freakishly long legs to find my whereabouts? I suppose you have yet another ridiculous errand that you need to convince yet another poor foolish hobbit to go on? Remind me of the actual success rate of the pleasure cruises you promise to sweet young fauntlings who have no better ways to idle away their days?”

She sniffs haughtily and waves two fingers to the barmaid imperiously, who flushes prettily and brings her over a dusty bottle of wine with little more than a polite murmur.

“So world-weary a tongue you have, dearest boy! If one only heard your words without glancing at you they would imagine a visage of quite the doddering old codger indeed. And I think you are well enough aware that the fauntlings of which you speak take very little convincing to come along and help Lady Yen gather the occasional bits and baubles from tight spaces here and there”

She smirks and now he flushes. He’s heard rumor, what he can only assume are wildly exaggerated claims of the “lavish and handsome rewards” those who have gone off on her errands were generously granted, and he’s taken them all with a hefty grain of salt. Some say she seduced them, some say she gave them rich foods and fine goods, but none of them seem to remember any other details of these outings they take with her, neither for that matter do they care that they can’t remember.

He may be foolish but he isn’t stupid. He’s run the simple arithmetic of the situation and found it to be suspiciously greater than the sum of its parts. She tricks young hobbits into doing her bidding, bewitching them with her powerful feminine charms and frightening magical arts. He might even find it exciting himself if he hadn’t had to listen to his father extol her delightful charms his entire childhood, “Friend of the family” indeed.

He however, won’t be manipulated, he will stand his ground and refuse her! His mouth opens and he is about to tell her exactly as much, when the door bangs open yet again and he sees an even odder sight than her unexpected arrival mere moments before.

Dwarves. Several of them. In Bree of all places. Certainly and unquestionably here because she is here. There is no room for doubt. The inn falls well and truly silent at this, so shocked are the humble human patrons. Someone coughs, another drops their tankard gracelessly, and several people leave the room without a word, rushing to their rooms to tuck in for the night. Big things are happening in their little town and they wisely choose not to become involved.

“Hmmm”

The dwarf in front grumbles low, a bear like noise that resonates through his chest. His hair and beard are silvery white and his eyes shine golden, and he is utterly striking to behold. He strides into the inn and makes his way to the bar, followed the others who appear to be his brethren. His eyes rove over the two of them suspiciously, and he frowns at Jaskier distrustingly before turning to the woman.

“We’re already bringing Lambert, we don’t have room in the party for an actual baby”

“Oy fuck off!” shouts one of the dwarves from behind him “I’m barely a decade younger than you, you prick”

“Excuse me?” Says Jaskier, not quite believing his ears.

“Now Geralt” she purrs, “really, do be nice. He’s a fully grown lad, a hobbit of Lettenhove”

The dwarf, Geralt, seems deeply unimpressed by this, but resigned as well. He turns climbing up onto the barstool next to her a jumping and twisting motion, ten times more elegant and lithe than Jaskier had appeared hours before when he had gracelessly heaved himself onto the counter to begin his performance. Sighing heavily, he eyes Jaskier yet again

“Yen you told us you had someone who could help... Tell me he isn’t what you had in mind?”

“Had you taken up this journey decades ago like I suggested, princeling, there would be others I would have gladly chosen before him. He’s... what’s currently available. I assure you I’m just as happy about this as you are”

“Excuse me?” Jaskier says again, jaw dropping and sputtering, “What on earth are you talking about Yennefer? Firstly I’m no one’s last choice, and secondly I haven’t agreed to play errand boy for you and I don’t plan to!”

She rolls her eyes as if it physically pains her, and lifts him by the back of his shirt as if he were a child’s toy, pulling him into her lap “Gentlemen, this delightfully shrill little creature is none other than Julian Alfred Pankratz, the Viscount de Lettenhove... and I do believe he’s your key back into Kaer Morhen”

Jaskier’s eyes widen and the gears begin to turn in his mind. He looks up at her in boggled disbelief “... Did you say Kaer Morhen? The dwarven stronghold in Kaedwen that was destroyed by a crazed mob of human fanatics hundred years ago?”

“The very same!” Yennefer crows.

“See gentlemen, if nothing else he’s well read” She says of him, as if he were a lame mule she were trying to pawn off on an unsuspecting buyer.

He huffs at her, but before he can respond further the dwarf grumbles again more gruffly this time “Don’t speak of what you cannot possibly understand halfling. If he comes along the only thing he’ll do is slow us down. He’s soft, and he’s weak, and he wouldn’t survive a week on The Path back to our home” He bites off his words in a growl, and his brethren each press hands against him from where they can reach. He closes his eyes for a moment then stares directly at Jaskier, gold eyes bright and burning. An oddly uncomfortable look passes over the dwarf’s face, and the faintest hint of a blush rises to his marble pale cheeks.

“Forgive me young one, for I do not mean to be cruel. But ours is an unforgiving road, and destiny is most commonly unkind to us and our kin. I cannot see how you would help us, but I will hear from the sorceress regardless. She has... ways of seeing things which we mere mortals are blind to. Speak Yen, for I can see in your eyes that you have undoubtedly schemed and planned further ahead than we could imagine”

She nods at him contentedly like a cat in a warm window, pacified by his words “You are correct, dwarf. I see and I hear many things, and if you are to complete your journey you will need every scrap of help I can give you. But before we can get further into things, let’s find somewhere more discreet. There are eyes and ears everywhere these days”

The dwarves hem and haw amongst themselves for a moment, and agree to move into another room. Making eye contact with the barmaid, she pulls a single gold coin from her bosom and slides it across the counter. It’s more than enough to pay for the finest room the pony has to offer, and the speechless girl bows awkwardly and hands her a key.

She stands, lifting Jaskier with her again under her arm as if he weighs nothing at all, and leads them up the stairs. Though she walks with the poised grace of a high lady, the stair risers groan under her footfalls and puff little clouds of dust with each step. She has to duck again as they reach the upper floor to avoid hitting her head on the low attic ceiling, and then leads them into her suite with all the courtly pomp as if she hadn’t only just rented it in front of them.

The dwarves follow at a hesitant respectful distance, but crowd around the fireplace when she sits heavily in the armchair in front of it. She rubs the fingers of her hand against her thumb, sending a little dancing flame into the hearth to ignite the kindling. Unlike a true fire, the room is almost instantly warmed and brightened, and they murmur low and contentedly. Jaskier starts to wiggle in her arms like an aggravated small dog, and she releases her hold on him so he can clamber down to the floor.

A much older dwarf than the one who appeared to be their leader raises his head to speak, and he is clearly a respected elder because they all turn to him attentively “We are not diplomats, but neither are we conquerors. We seek only to return to our ancestral home. We have planned this reclamation for many decades, we will attempt this so whether the sorceress and the hobbit lad help us or not, even if it only results in our deaths. If there is help or wise counsel that either of them may provide, we should not turn it down. The ways of men are strange and foreign to us, but where Geralt leads we will follow” his eyes twinkle tenderly as he claps his hand onto the younger dwarf’s shoulder. They share a private smile that speaks of family, and Jaskier finds himself touched and sympathetic to their plight.

Geralt turns to Yennefer with a wry curl of his lip that could almost be a smile, “You on the other hand are a warg in wolf’s clothing, and I have no doubt you’ve already considered every political angle to this campaign. Tell us then of your machinations”

Her eyes brighten and she rises to a proud sitting height that is taller than any of them standing, seeming to unfurl like the plumage of a peacock, and she glances down at Jaskier. He comes back over to her from where he had crouched in front of the crackling fire, coming barely up to her knees, and tilts his head inquisitively “Yes _Old Miss Yen_ , what do you have planned for us all, indeed?”

She ruffles his hair a touch too roughly, and rubs the tip of his pointed ear and chuckles “Though this one may not look it, and though I do so hate to praise him for fear his head will swell too large for his foppish little hat, he is more than just a common barker. He carries a very hobbitish type of magic that neither myself nor my fellow mages can replicate. His song is... suggestible. It’s a very subtle enchantment and it’s much harder to detect than any of the larger or flashier spells that I might easily do, which would draw unwanted attention”

She turns to them, deadly serious “What you fellows have is an image problem. Dwarves are unfortunately unpopular. The world of men is cruel to you. I could of course enthrall the entire continent, bewitch each and every human to become a dwarf’s best friend over night. But that would be very obvious. People would try to fix it and if they managed to they would turn against you even more viciously then they already have. To truly change hearts and minds you need a softer touch, a gradual approach...” and she gestures back to Jaskier.

He looks up at her wide eyed and finishes her sentence breathlessly “...They need a _bard_! Yennefer, you’re a genius - I’ll do it! These will be my greatest songs yet, and for such a noble cause”

Geralt looks pained, “Hmmm... now Yen, are you certain that bespelling all the humans wouldn’t work?”

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you thought! This is technically a one-shot for now but I’ve got some other ideas rattling around that I’d like to play with :)


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